Homeschooling

Most people who we know, care about Mulan and Miya and want what is best for them.

A few of these people care about Mulan and Miya so much that they tell us that the girls should be at school.

What is interesting is that these caring people usually don’t worry about the academic side of things.  They don’t mind that neither Mama nor I are trained school teachers.  They don’t mind that in some subject areas neither Mama nor I have any formal training.

No, the general worry is that unless the girls go to school, they won’t be properly socialised.  In their opinion, homeschooled children will have poor socialisation skills.

Since this is such a common worry, I thought I’d write out my opinions on it.

Firstly, I’d ask these people to simply see what happens in real life.  Look at how Mulan and Miya actually are in real life.  When you see them in the real world, are they acting socially appropriately?  I think they are**.  Over the past few years, I have written many stories on my blog that show how the girls’ socialisation is developing properly and normally, without them having been to school.

** I realise this is slightly complicated, because what is socially appropriate in one culture may not be so appropriate in another culture.  Since Mulan and Miya are culturally mixed, they are still learning which social norms to apply in which situation.

Secondly, I have heard stories about other homeschooling families.  It seems that, anecdotally, many people say that actually homeschooled children are in general better than registered school children at interacting in society.

Thirdly, we may want to think more carefully about different types of socialisation, and which types may be more valuable than others.

To begin with, we could think of childhood socialisation as being on a continuum.  At the one extreme, we have a situation where a child lives at a boarding school.  The child eats, sleeps, studies and plays with the same group of children his/her own age, for very long periods of time.  There are only short times each year for holidays with the family or other external activities.

At the other extreme, we have a situation where a child lives with his/her family in a rural or wilderness situation, and doesn’t attend classes at all.  Other families mostly live too far away and the child grows up almost entirely with the family unit.  There are only short times of visits to town or socialisation with other families.

Both of these situations are fairly unusual, but they do happen.  Mama lived in a boarding school for some of her childhood.

In between these extremes, there are several other lifestyle choices.  Towards the schooling side, a child may go to school five days per week, then spend most of the rest of their time attending extra-curricular classes—music lessons, ballet, swimming, languages, extra academic tuition, etc.  From my experience of living in China, I think that most Chinese would have some variation of this lifestyle.  And I read that many Westerners are heading this way too.

Alternatively, a child may only go to school, and then not have so many extra classes outside of this.  Or if the child does have classes, then the parents are more involved in those classes.  I guess my early childhood was more like this, as I went to primary school for six hours a day, five days a week, then most of the rest of the time I had free play or sports, where my family was often there too (my dad was always there at the field when I played or practiced soccer).  In other words, even on a school day I would spend more waking time in family or other-related things than I would in school-related things.  School never dominated.

And then further along the continuum again, we are getting into homeschooling, where a child may attend several or more classes throughout the week with other children.  But these may often be with different children in each class, or possibly with different ages, and probably with more family involvement.  There may be a lot of socialisation (in fact the entire waking day may be taken up with interactions with many people outside the family), but the socialising will be with many different people, and not just a classroom full of the same children of the same age.

The point here is that we are going from the boarding school extreme, where a child only socialises with the same single largish group of children, continuously and for a long period of time, to the other extreme where there is almost never any interaction at all with a largish group of children of a similar age.  In between, the socialisation is more varied, with different situations, peoples, and ages.

When we think in this way, the question changes.  It is no longer about socialisation or not.  It is now about which type of social interaction is the best upbringing to develop a child’s socialisation skills?  And it should be obvious here that registered school life can be questioned just as much as homeschool life.  No one lifestyle is automatically and obviously best.

I understand that Chinese tend to think that spending more time in a largish group of the same children, of the same age, is best.

I think their reasoning goes something like this:  Life is tough.  In the real world there are going to be a lot of people who will use and abuse you, and knock you down.  The best preparation for this sort of life is to spend a lot of time together with a largish group of other children.  If you are with the same people for a long time, then anything you do will be on your permanent record.  Social blunders will result in long-term bullying and ostracism.  So, of necessity, a child will have to learn to get along with others—learn the rules of surviving in society.  Differences and unusual creativity are more likely to be bullied.  So, more than likely, a child will aim to conform to the norms of society, as that is safer.  They will make enemies.  But they will also make friends.  These friends will be extremely close, and friendships will last a long time, giving each other support in a tough environment.  So a child learns the rules of society and learns how to make close friendships—both good things.

I suspect that Westerners won’t have such a pessimistic outlook on life.  But in all honesty, I am not sure exactly how they would defend registered school schooling, without having this sort of pessimistic outlook on life.  I’d be interested in some opinions on this.

I think homeschoolers tend to think that spending more time with admirable role models (such as parents or similar), and observing these role models as they perform in the real world, is best.

I think the reasoning goes something like this:  Children are natural copiers.  Children are good at observing the world around them and copying those who they personally admire.  So, it is best for children to spend time with people who are worthy of being these role models.  We need to choose our children’s role models carefully.  Fewer role models over a longer period of time is preferable, to build up a personal connection.  A child will learn the rules of society best by seeing these role models perform real life activities in a large variety of situations.  The more situations the better, over a longer period of time, as then the child learns to be good at adapting to different environments.  First the child observes the parent, then the child practices these social behaviours with other children during free play, then finally the child matures enough to be able to independently perform these said activities in the real world.  The child learns how to behave in the real world to the extent that she/he is actively involved in the real world.  Being in a classroom is artificial and limited, and so will limit a child’s adaptability.

What do I think?

I think that life is tough only if you believe it to be tough.  Chinese believe life to be tough, so they have created a tough society.  Each generation has copied the toughness from the previous generation.  And too many generations have gone by until they believe that life is naturally this way.  I hear sadness that life is like this, but I don’t hear anyone questioning the basic truth of it.

But life doesn’t have to be like that.

I am not suggesting that we should teach our children that life will always be all fine and dandy.  Rather, I am saying that we need not teach our children that life is hard, and we need not base our education system on that.  Be a bit more optimistic.

I want my children to strive for excellence.  So, I want my children to have the best role models they can.  I’d rather that they not conform to the averages of large groups of immature children.

And that is why I disagree when well-meaning people doubt that homeschooling can properly socialise children.